Hindsight + Insight = 2020 Vision
A lot of major things have happened in my short adult life, which I know is true for any living human. Some were good, some were bad, all were significant in their impact on my life.
As 2020 begins, I have found myself facing a whole new set of life circumstances. In the last 6 months I got engaged, I unexpectedly changed jobs, got married, left my housemate of 10+ years and moved an hour away to somewhere I'd never contemplated living. In the midst of this joy and excitement and change, I've also felt crushed by fear, leading once again to another bout of depression and feelings of guilt. Even guilt about not having kept up this blog, my Instagram or newsletters!
When 2019 ended and 2020 arrived, I found myself needing to regroup and reassess so that I could feel grounded and secure to gain the feeling of purpose and direction. Ria, from "The Whole Happy Life" (whose channel I love watching), posted a video about reflecting on 2019 and the last decade. It was extremely helpful and not overwhelming or soppy.
It helped me remember that in one of my last posts, I described how I truly want to be an artist and that I need to stop letting fear and anxiety dictate my actions. If this fear didn't have such hold on me, I would have had six months of practice by now. I need to change something or else I will be MIA again and writing another post like this in another six months - I REALLY don't want that to be the case.
So, in a new attempt to tackle my anxiety, I need to look back to move forward. And this time I'm going to put these reflections out here, publicly. All of the questions that Ria posed called for 3-5 answers, but I'm only going to share one answer per question here - simply so that I don't bore you! You can obviously watch her video (~12 minutes long) and follow along with your own answers!
Hindsight + Insight
2019 REVIEW
5 things I was most grateful for in 2019:
my giant tribe of family and friends
finding out I can drive again
being in a position where I can save money for the first time
my team at work
my biggest cheerleader: my husband
A life lesson learnt from 2019:
Family is so vitally important. At a personal level, I am overly blessed with my wide, interwoven, generous family. I hope that I have never taken them for granted. In my paid work, I can easily see the result of how a person suffers or thrives depending on their family situation, and it’s far more impacting than you may want to believe.
A major accomplishment and what/who helped me get there:
My role in my job may be viewed by a lot of the population as irrelevant or disposable, including my employers. But, at the end of 2019, I was able to work well enough that my employer increased it from part-time to full-time. I could not have been more proud of myself! I know that I owe this to the countless leaders, youth camps, conferences, professional supervisors, mentors, peers and prayer warriors that I’ve had the privilege to encounter since my teenage years. I also know that I owe a lot to Jesus, whom I would (shamefully) rarely pray to about work, but on the days that I did...WOW. I know I would have been so ill-equipped if I didn’t pray first. I know I would have frozen in my steps. I know I would take things too personally. And to think that all it took was for me to simply say, “Please God, I need Your strength, Your eyesight and Your wisdom!!”
Which 2019 goals weren't met that I want to keep pursuing? Why are they important and what will I do differently in 2020?
Daily meditation/devotion:
I want to start my day with a healthier mental state.
>> I need to have a better morning routine and not hit snooze.
Daily creativity:
I want to be more skilled at creating and I regret not trying every year.
>> Make daily creativity as easy and accessible as possible eg. short time limit; use an “ugly” sketchbook and non-precious tools; same time each day; set up workspace the night before; reward myself often; keep accountable online (reader, that's you!).
Run 10km: I did a 5K Star Wars Run on Star Wars Day (May 4th), but immediately stopped any physical activity after that. I want, no, need to get my strength back and keep my body healthy.
>> Get new shoes, restart C25K training and make Luke run with me (haha!).
Read 25 books:
I love learning and being in imaginary worlds and I own too many books that are unread.
>> Read one chapter each weekday at lunchtime and bedtime.
Self-care:
Important because I keep getting sick.
>> Pick two days per month to dedicate to a self-care activity.
Learn how to use my Fujifilm:
I see so many beautiful things but I can’t draw it or capture it. Learning manual photography will be the quickest way to document and share what I see
>> Complete Emma Davies' free photography course, "A Year With My Camera".
Piano practice every day:
I've had a dream since Year 12 to be able to play the epic third movement of Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata".
>> Stop watching YouTube and play piano instead.
Travel/road trip once per month:
I want to explore my beautiful state and country while I have the time and ability. It also serves as my self-care and gives opportunity for my photography and creativity to join in.
>> Make a list of 20 places I’ve never been to that I’d like to go to ie. location for The Postcode Diaries...and maybe find a travel buddy or two?
DECADE REVIEW
Something I achieved that I’m proud of:
Graduating from my THIRD degree (Counselling) and therefore getting my dream placement and my dream job.
One way I have improved myself:
I have learnt to be honest with myself and others about what my strengths and weaknesses are. I’ve learnt that I don’t have to be the best at everything, and that I can’t be the best at everything. I’ve even learnt that I don’t have to be the best at the things that I’m good at. If I was the only person in the world, maybe this would be useful - but I’m not. I am part of a wide community, and we all have strengths and weaknesses, which is actually a relief.
Today, I’m proud of the things that I can offer and I’m grateful for the people who bring what I can’t.
A difficult experience and its corresponding life lesson to take into the future:
In 2015 I was diagnosed with an(other) auto-immune disease. It made me feel like I was blind and gave me one of the worst pains that I now endure. It brought on depression, it made me quit my placement, my studies, my friendships, my youth ministry, my community, my joy and my hope. I stopped driving, I stopped making friends, I stopped being away from home after 5pm, I stopped making plans at all. While it isn't as bad as it was, I can't see the life lesson in this yet. Maybe you will hear about it at the same time that I learn it.
What I can say though, is that if it weren't for this debilitation, I wouldn't have discovered Audible and returned to my old love of reading.
I wouldn't have started learning watercolour.
I wouldn't have started this blog.
I wouldn't have created The Postcode Diaries.
I wouldn't have discovered the magical world of creative and expressive therapies, both as a client and as a practitioner.
I wouldn't have received so many heartfelt prayers and generosity from close friends and family.
So, even though I can't see the life lessons learnt from this painful and life-altering experience, I can see where I can be grateful. In fact, maybe that's the lesson.
2020 Vision
This process of reflection was more helpful and enjoyable this time of reflection more than I'd imagined. Surprisingly, it didn't alter any of my views about my direction or purpose. Instead, it gave me a small boost of hope and motivation towards my ambitions. Being reminded of the things I have been through and what I have achieved helped me to see that maybe the things I'm dreaming of aren't so out of reach. If I was able to learn watercolour when I was nearly blind, what's stopping me from doing a few sketches now? If I have learnt to be honest about my strengths and weaknesses, surely I can think of a way to nurture my creativity that's best suited to me? If I have such an army of support around me - especially YOU - do I really need to let my perfectionism continue to paralyse me?
I'm recognising that when my life is deprived of beauty and creativity, I become depleted and frustrated which leaves me physically, emotionally and mentally unhealthy. And I'm so desperate to change that.
This is my 2020 vision.