Pursuing Creativity in the Midst of Anxiety

I have always hated goals.

I distinctly remember in my first week of Year 7 when we were asked multiple times to get into groups to brainstorm or to work individually to create goals for ourselves. Ever since then, I have been passionately against the tasks of creating mindmaps and setting goals.

When I turned 30 exactly 12 months ago, I couldn't help but consider the things in my life that weren't as I'd expected them to be. While I was never afraid of reaching this age, the the milestone still caused me to think about things that I wished were true of my life (and things that were not true). But, I also knew that I still have a lot of life left to live. This reflection led to my thinking a lot about what kind of legacy I would want to leave in this life. For weeks and weeks and weeks, I deeply contemplated what kind of person I would want to be remembered as.

...and then from there I unwittingly found myself making a whole bunch of goals. *eye roll*

While completing this process, I found myself really prioritising my creativity and my learning. Ultimately, I aspired to be someone who does something creative every single day. For the rest of 2018 I began obsessively making lists and tracking daily habits and rewriting the same lists and adding more habits...on and on and on. I watched hours of YouTube videos every week about people tracking habits or people making lists or people making goals or people writing out their weekly calendars or people who had tips on all of these things. It was both inspiring and paralysing. Inspiring, because it all looked so easy. Paralysing, because it meant I had to start. For months and months, I continued to swing back and forth between feeling inspired and feeling paralysed.

When I was down another rabbit hole on Pinterest, I found myself purchasing and listening to "Big Magic" by Elizabeth Gilbert on Audible. She wrote about creatives who live so much fear, that it reaches the point where they never create anything - I am all too familiar with this paralysis. This led me to listening to more books and then podcasts and YouTube videos, all of which were pushing me closer to thinking of easier, tangible projects and motivating, creative pursuits like revamping this website and restarting my blog.

But then the overwhelm hit me again:

What should I blog about?
I should blog about my art.
What art should I make?
People say you should focus on one thing to make any sense.
But I like lots of things!
Maybe I should start a new art series?
But what's my style?
I don't have enough art yet to know what my style is.
I like watercolour painting!
But I'm not really good at watercolour yet.
Maybe I'll do my ink and wash sketches.
But I really want to get good at botanical art.
So, maybe I need to get good at drawing?
I should sign up for a drawing class!
But that will take so long.
I should just do my rough sketches instead of realism.
But my sketches need to improve.
I should take up drawing lessons.
But I don't need to be so precise.
Maybe I'll stick with abstract watercolours?
But I really love botanical art.
I wish I could draw better.

Wait, wasn't I thinking about my blog?

Every day. This script. For months.

I don't know what changed, but I remember walking down a street in North Melbourne on a leafy autumn day, and this script of hopelessness and anxiety was on repeat in my head again, and SUDDENLY the idea just hit me - what if this is it? What if THIS is what I'm meant to share? Instead of final pieces and full bodies of work, what if I'm simply meant to openly share about the struggle of being a perfectionist who is trying to make things? I might not be good at making art, but I'm really good at NOT making it!! XD

So, here I am. Sharing my struggle. Sharing my paralysis. Sharing my anxieties. Sharing my hopes. Sharing my faith. Sharing my desire to see what expressions of creativity are buried in me, bursting to be manifested and brought to life. I am a believer in God and that He has given me this precious treasure of being creative, and I don't want to mistreat that gift or be ungrateful for it.

I want to be known as someone who didn't miss an opportunity to create.

I want to use my faith to pursue my creativity in the midst of my anxiety.

I want to be an artist.